Be Aggressive..B-E Aggressive....

(Photo credit is http://jaymetwins.blogspot.com/ Wonder Woman Darkroom Series #3) 

I've worked my way up in my business to a leader-y type position. Not a manager, but an assigner-of-work and teller-of-what-to-do. Entrusted with establishing and communicating complex things and inspiring and growing teams. WHA....?

I've been in this position before. But I backed down each time. It was too risky (I thought). I don't really have what it takes to lead other people (I thought). I don't want to be in charge. If crap goes south, I'll get blamed. Bla bla freaking bla. Insert insecurity dujour here.

When you move up from do-er to tell-er, no one can prepare you, really. You just have to dive in and do it. Accept that you'll make wrong decisions once in a while, go back on what you originally said when you learn more today than you knew yesterday. In other words, you'll be just as fallible as a leader than you were as a follower. I'm still having trouble getting the shake out of my voice, standing up for myself- expressing what I do indeed know instead of second guessing internally every hour. 

I miss being a do-er sometimes. You can skate on often mindless production of expected Things. Blame "The Leaders" for not getting what's really important. Separate yourself more easily from accountability. I recognize my own behavior in this regard as a kind of perpetual childhood: sure, I'll produce X like you asked for, but I don't really care, I'll produce exactly what you asked for. 

I am a friendly person. Historically speaking, I loathe conflict. I've spent much of my life reading situations (at work and at home) for the subtext, listening to the objectives, and then instinctively and proactively filling those needs on my own based on assumptions. This way, if a situation goes south I can control it, because I've made myself responsible for it. Performing this way is exhausting, unhealthy, and generally a space for improvement. Over time, it is an exhausting and unhealthy way to be. I know this is a universal issue, particularly for women who grew up buying into the gender-assigned roles of server, caretaker, subordinate. Just like institutionalized racism in our country, the behavior, judgement, and assumptions are made at a practically subconscious manner and it takes a lot of vulnerability and willingess to change to see what is real and what is not. 

Letting go and changing from do-er to lead-er is tough. It requires trust. Patience. And above all, it requires you to work through conflict (internal and external), face it head on not as an obstacle but as a means to a better end because it exists. Some conflicts are asinine and not worth it. Others are crucial. So how does one separate the wheat from the chaff? How do you know when to be aggressive on a stance and argue it out, or just let it go? I guess I'll keep facing situations and choosing battles as best I can. Ask for help. But ultimately take a stance and stick by my gut and what I know to be true. Some fights are just fights that will never end...let those go. I expect with more practice it will become obvious which battles are growth opportunities and which are concealed as important but really a smokescreen. 

When you think for a living and you are thrust into positions of action it is a tough sell to balance the need to understand all the facts in a case with the need to produce results. Me, I've decided to produce results. Let go of the perfection. Take a stand and just do the best I can. And for God's sake trust myself! 

The only way to learn a new skill is to effing DO it. Show up, mangle your way through the first few things, learn, and then grow. Life is not a simple assembly line at the box factory. It is a messy cross-functional ball of interest groups, competing priorities and always, always, a thing can be better than it is and people who know more than you (or think they do) will be catcalling from the bleacher seats. Urge them to come down and show me how it's done. Some actually will! And when they do, let them and grow them and empower them. You can't improve a thing unless you create the thing in the first place. Make order when the stuff is actually physically there. 

So. How does this thing work? <taps mic> Is this thing on? <taps mic> LET'S GO DO THE THING. I don't care if you think it's stupid. Do it. It'll make sense in a little while.  

I have the wonderful blessing of a host of professional women I work with regularly who have cast off the "dumb girl" passive aggressive act, or never had it in the first place. They are straight shooters, sharp thinkers, and strong leaders. The media is in the petri dish, man. I'm soaking in an environment for growth into a more satisfying life, and have been for some time. 

Wow. That's a gross analogy. Oops.But you get the idea. 

Anyway, as scary as it is sometimes to face conflict, make decisions, and stick with them, it's far more outright fun. I'm learning how to speak my mind, stop assuming anything and engage effectively with people who are often immature, arrogant, demeaning (whether or not they realize they're doing it), and overall not very user-friendly to other people. 

It is fun an exciting to grow into an assertive state of mind. I don't want to turn into some kind of asshole or lose my empathy. I just want to stop defaulting to my doormat mentality when things get rough. Screw that. Be..aggressive. B-E aggressive!