What is it about March?!
I've been journaling long enough now that I see a very clear pattern that emerged a few years after moving to the cloudy Pacific Northwest: In March, my attitude and brain take a nose dive. I get sapped of energy, except at 3AM or so, when I bolt out of bed for about an hour with my brain revving on high speed but my body and energy stuck in neutral.
I'm going through this spell right now. I get up, show up, and do my best but all the while, my brain is busily attempting to sort, figure out, find...I don't know, some answer to all the worries swirling around regarding work deadlines, personal lifestyle, dissatisfaction with self, and so on. It's just so tiring and produces absolutely nothing except some snippets of discourse throughout the day that is vague, complex, and has no point.
By the time the sun returns with birdsong and I adjust to daylight savings time, it gets better. I've come to grips with the fact I'll never be a morning person, that the double bind of several months of gray weather combined with losing sleep has an emotional effect on me. And so, I promise myself that I won't make any huge life decisions in March. That this is the transition month, and as long as I keep showing up, I'll get through it.
I've been working to change the internal dialog from perpetual berating assholery to kind and supportive love, but it's taking time. I can usually get a few good hours in, and some days it can go quiet and productive for nearly a whole day.
Well this journal entry is pretty ambiguous and lacking in any sort of coherence. But that's okay. I'm grateful that my biggest monsters to deal with are the ones inside. I am self-sufficient, responsible, kind (at least to people who are not myself), and smart. Whether or not the internal voice believes it, I am highly capable and very productive at work and at home. It's not perfect. I require significant downtime to recoup as I get used to the new skill of leadership at work. That skill is not coming easily as I second guess what I tell people to do a lot of the time. But I'll get over it. I'm reading Crucial Conversations and other material and snippets to help myself learn to motivate others and- most of all- learn to let go and LET others do the work. That feels weird. I've spent my career up till now proactively determining what is required and then supplying what is required. Now I'm lifting up my head, looking around, and organizing other people to do work. Soon there will be a whole cadre of people to lead.
What the hell. What the bloody hell. Try something new, take more risks. That's what I wanted. I got it. I've got support, guidance, and motivation all around. I think I'll take from now until my April vacation to really focus on changing the internal dialog. I have a very good friend (probably my only reader, actually) helping me through this by supplying her tactics in a very similar situation. The support group to which I belong has armed me with so many tools I can use to change my inner landscape. Remember to pick up the tools. Let go of outcomes. Suit up, show up, do my best and know my best is extremely good. It is...when I let it, when I don't freeze, when I stop comparing and competing and just work as a team member with other members.
I can do this.
But right now I need to read the end of 1Q84 so I can find out why Aomame is miraculously pregnant in an alternate timeline universe with two moons in the sky. I am grateful for creative escape! It sure beats mindless Netflix binge watching while playing inane puzzle games on my tablet.
Good night, world. I'll see you bright and early tomorrow for another go- this time with a roomful of people who know a lot more than me about automation and managing data. This is going to be a prety interesting couple of days.
I'm going through this spell right now. I get up, show up, and do my best but all the while, my brain is busily attempting to sort, figure out, find...I don't know, some answer to all the worries swirling around regarding work deadlines, personal lifestyle, dissatisfaction with self, and so on. It's just so tiring and produces absolutely nothing except some snippets of discourse throughout the day that is vague, complex, and has no point.
By the time the sun returns with birdsong and I adjust to daylight savings time, it gets better. I've come to grips with the fact I'll never be a morning person, that the double bind of several months of gray weather combined with losing sleep has an emotional effect on me. And so, I promise myself that I won't make any huge life decisions in March. That this is the transition month, and as long as I keep showing up, I'll get through it.
I've been working to change the internal dialog from perpetual berating assholery to kind and supportive love, but it's taking time. I can usually get a few good hours in, and some days it can go quiet and productive for nearly a whole day.
Well this journal entry is pretty ambiguous and lacking in any sort of coherence. But that's okay. I'm grateful that my biggest monsters to deal with are the ones inside. I am self-sufficient, responsible, kind (at least to people who are not myself), and smart. Whether or not the internal voice believes it, I am highly capable and very productive at work and at home. It's not perfect. I require significant downtime to recoup as I get used to the new skill of leadership at work. That skill is not coming easily as I second guess what I tell people to do a lot of the time. But I'll get over it. I'm reading Crucial Conversations and other material and snippets to help myself learn to motivate others and- most of all- learn to let go and LET others do the work. That feels weird. I've spent my career up till now proactively determining what is required and then supplying what is required. Now I'm lifting up my head, looking around, and organizing other people to do work. Soon there will be a whole cadre of people to lead.
What the hell. What the bloody hell. Try something new, take more risks. That's what I wanted. I got it. I've got support, guidance, and motivation all around. I think I'll take from now until my April vacation to really focus on changing the internal dialog. I have a very good friend (probably my only reader, actually) helping me through this by supplying her tactics in a very similar situation. The support group to which I belong has armed me with so many tools I can use to change my inner landscape. Remember to pick up the tools. Let go of outcomes. Suit up, show up, do my best and know my best is extremely good. It is...when I let it, when I don't freeze, when I stop comparing and competing and just work as a team member with other members.
I can do this.
But right now I need to read the end of 1Q84 so I can find out why Aomame is miraculously pregnant in an alternate timeline universe with two moons in the sky. I am grateful for creative escape! It sure beats mindless Netflix binge watching while playing inane puzzle games on my tablet.
Good night, world. I'll see you bright and early tomorrow for another go- this time with a roomful of people who know a lot more than me about automation and managing data. This is going to be a prety interesting couple of days.
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